This is probably going to be a long one… I apologize in advance.

I have realized many things over this break, at least so far. Much of my revelations dealing with high school and my life as I used to know it.

The first thing I realized was that I spent too much time trying to make people like me and not being me. I didn’t allow anyone, or at least very few people, to see who I really was. No one ever got to see the way I really tick. I was always trying to please everyone else, putting myself last. All I really cared about was being prepared for every school event (in and out of school). I wanted to be good at something, at least be noted for something so that my high school existance was worthwhile. I think the most striking thing I ever wanted was for my section, all of them, to be proud of me. I wanted them to say that they were wrong about me, that I “had” changed from our freshmen year. I guess I got my wish though… as one of the most meaningful things ever said to me in menial existance was said by them at a saturday practice for a competition… “Lauren, you have improved so much… We are amazed at how good you are!” Gee, thanks guys. I taught myself because you all were “too busy” to give me the time of day. I think that’s what I am most afraid of in the year ahead… assuming I move forward with this band issue. But, back to my original tangent. I spent so much time trying to please everyone else that I lost myself in the shuffle. You all know the biggest factor in the whole instrument ordeal and I am afraid I am going to forget all of my amazing memories.

Sorry, this whole entry makes zero sense. Venting…

Moving right along, I never realized how much energy I wasted, how much I was underappreciated and how many people took advantage of me. However, I just want to add that I am the happiest I have been, maybe ever, and I wouldn’t change anything for the world. My life is good. I am thankful. But something is missing, which brings me to my next point….

I saw some friends the other night and well, I realized how much I really liked this one guy. Now, I keep seeing him around and I just… well, my heart skips a beat. It’s out of control. I can’t just see someone after a year and a half or so and see how much we have changed and how he was always the “bad” boy and want to be with him. Life does not work like this. The line “the heart has reasons the mind knows nothing of” keeps running through my head. To make matters worse, the guy I pined after all summer long definitely proposed to his girlfriend on Christmas eve. Yea… I love my life. I need to learn to control these emotions.

Other things…. Bethany and I realized why there were so few relationships in high school, specifically PM. Seeing how all of the guys were extremely effeminate, none of the girls wanted to be with them. Even the big football player type guys were incredibly feminine in their mannerisms. So, I don’t feel so bad about that anymore.

I think I may be done rambling for now. I apologize again for the entry that seems to be missing a valid point. Hope everyone is having a lovely break!

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